Zero to Hero

3. Onamae wa . . . nan desu ka

I couldn’t breathe. The enormous box had soon rolled off, like a giant die tipped from a cup. But Girl hadn’t moved and I couldn’t. As we had fallen, her knee smashed things you should handle with care. Blindness struck me. It’s funny, as a cause of death, you’d think suffocation by boobs rated high on the want list, but I was in a total panic. The collar bit into my neck, and I swear I could see Miyuki laughing at me...

"Go-Gomennasai!" The girl, no longer on top of me, had dragged my limp body to the sofa and propped me up in a sitting position on the floor. She now furiously shook my shoulders. "Shikari shite!!"

I thought my head would roll off if she didn’t stop.

"Ano..." I said. I wasn’t sure why I said it, or what it meant, but my mind had flashed back to this morning when I’d tipped shio into my shiriaru. Girl had said the same word while looking flustered.

"Yokatta! Ikite imasu ne. Daijyoubu desu ka?"

Girl let go of my shoulders, and I pulled myself up onto the sofa proper before she decided she needed to assault me again.

"Daijyoubu... desu." It was starting to feel like a simple life hack, but I took the last words my clumsy host cum almost killer had said, and repeated them minus the ka, hoping the meaning wasn’t too far off from "I’m still alive, you don’t need to shake me to death." The message must have gotten through. Girl left the ribingu and returned not long after with drinks.

A little calmer now, both Girl and I sipped at our drinks. It was green, but it tasted okay. My roommate, host, captor?—I didn’t know where we truly stood, yet—put her drink down, then pointed at the large, black rectangular object in front of us and said:

"Zasshi desu ka, terebi desu ka."

Quiz time had apparently started again. The thing didn’t have pages, but did have a standby light that glowed red. We’d also covered this one yesterday, right? Sure of my answer, I chose the second option: "Terebi desu."

"Hai!" the girl said in response.

She squirmed next to me on the sofa, before producing the small device she’d been poking when sat at the dining table. They have smartphones then, huh. Maybe this world is a carbon copy of mine after all. But sans men...

"Keitai desu ka, satou desu ka."

Well, I wasn’t about to put that in my breakfast, so I chose the first option and made a mental note that keitai referred to smartphones.

Happy with my answer, Girl jumped up and bounced toward the massive box that had caused so much trouble earlier. She grinned with a mischievous tint.

"Gyuunyuu desu ka, hasami desu ka. Ufufu!"

I looked away while the girl hopped about, laughing, barely able to contain herself. Was she this excited to be teaching me? It’d be understandable, right? If I were the only male in the world. But I didn’t want to be distracted! So, I looked at the ceiling, and went over my vocabulary.

Hasami was new. An image of a cow came to me when I thought about gyuunyuu. That word, I thought, meant milk.

Hai! Sou desu yo.

The collar confirmed for me. Such a good collar! When it’s not digging into my neck, anyway.

Then hasami had to be box. I hesitated. Girl was doing a poor job of stifling her laughter.

Ne, itte mite yo.

With the collar urging me, I looked at the girl and answered her. "Hasami desu."

"Bu bu!! Hasami de ha arimasen!"

Her laughing and jumping about amplified. I was afraid the narrow neckline of her t-shirt wouldn’t be enough to prevent a wardrobe malfunction or a concussion.

But where had I gone wrong? Did gyuunyuu also mean box? There was only one way to find out...

That, too, elicited a "bu bu!" The girl was truly enjoying herself. And judging by the echo in my head, the collar was, too. After Girl calmed down, which hadn’t been easy, she managed a new sentence without a laughing fit ruining it:

"Jya... nan desu ka?"

She looked at me as if I should be able to answer.

When I didn’t, she moved to the terebi. "Kore wa nan desu ka?"

This I could answer. I knew what that item she currently flailed her arms at was. That’s when it hit me. I didn’t just know the item she was asking about! I now also knew what what was. This was a breakthrough.

I hopped off the sofa and grabbed the box. Then put it back down just as quickly. It really was outrageously large, despite being light. With one hand resting on the top of the box, I cleared my throat, then asked, "Kore wa nan desu ka?"

"Hako desu. Sore wa dekai hako desu!"

Girl stopped her weird terebi fondling act and skipped over to a chest of drawers in a corner of the room. She skipped back with something sharp and pointy in her hand. Please don’t trip! I thought as she nearly toppled over.

"Soshite, kore wa hasami desu." She waved the scissors she held, then set to attacking the box. For some time, her top half remained buried in the box before she came up for air, holding a tiny little bag. She stared at it before turning to look at me, a frightening smile growing on her face.

Just as I began to sweat and worry for my life, Girl’s keitai chimed. "Ah! Yabai desu. Kyou wa baito ga aru hi, sukkari wasurete shichaimashita!" She rushed out of the ribingu, slamming the door, but not before she’d pulled her t-shirt off and thrown it at me! Her aim was impeccable; it landed squarely over my head before I got to see anything good.

When my frustration causing housemate returned and snatched her t-shirt back, I was still sulking. At least let me see something! Thinking this, I opened my eyes. Two huge breasts concealed by a black buttoned shirt greeted me. Over the left mound was a small badge that read 'My name is...' I blinked. That was English! They used English here? So why couldn’t I?! Slightly miffed, I was still happy. I finally knew this girl’s name. It was...

Written in her language. I couldn’t read her name.

"A-Anmari jiro jiro—Aah! Sou iu koto desu ne!" Girl took a step back and squatted in front of me. She tapped her chest. "Atashi no namae wa Kotoha desu." Then she reached out as if to tap my chest, but stopped short. "Kimi no onamae wa? Onamae, nan desu ka?"

I took a moment to think.

From those three sentences, and the way she had pointed to herself and then to me, with the name badge thrown in for good measure, I understood she had told me her name—Kotoha—and was now asking for mine. While I didn’t know atashi no or kimi no, I thought it likely that these were my and your. It also seemed a question didn’t always need fully voicing. A rising tone on wa was enough... Well, I wanted to test that later. The different ways Kotoha had said name confused me. Why use one over the other?

I decided for now to fall back on my life hack. I looked at Kotoha, still squatting—or more precisely, wobbling—in front of me and said:

"Atashi no namae wa Gai desu."

Kotoha fell over and banged her head on the low table.

After recovering, she pointed at herself again. "Atashi." Then she pointed at me and said, "Watashi."

Confusion was quickly becoming my trademark look. Kotoha again said, "Atashi," and drew an obvious female figure in the air. Z-cup, probably. Then she said "Watashi," while drawing two straight lines. Guy-cup, without a doubt. I guess men didn’t say Atashi. I wondered if it really mattered. This world had lost all its men, according to Miyuki. But I made a note of this, anyway. A gendered language was new to me.

"Watashi no namae wa Gai desu."

Although I’d said my name normally (Guy) it apparently came out with a pronunciation Kotoha could understand. At least, it didn’t come out as white noise.

"Gai-san desu ne. Hajimemashite!"

Kotoha’s keitai rang. She again hit her head on the table as she shot to her feet. I didn’t even know such a move was possible. That table was really low.

"Mata shichaimashita! Chikoku ni narimasuuuu. Uguuu!" With tears in her eyes, she rushed out of the ribingu and out of the house. The front door slamming behind her.

Not knowing what else to do, I sat back on the sofa and drank my green drink. Even cold, it tasted okay. I had a lot to go over.